She stares
across the sea of endless desks.
At him.
Does he know her?
Probably not.
Does she know him?
Of course.
She folds a piece of paper
into a heart.
And with her pen,
with ink as dark as the darkest night,
she writes.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Me + You.
She doesn't sign it.
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Personally, I thought it was in fact NOT cliche.
It stayed away from cliche... to me..
The lines I feel a bit uncomfortable with are the part of the sea of desks..
'sea of desks' just sounds so wrong..
rows od desks or something else just might flow a bit better.
The ending left me sort of hanging... I dislike that and like it at the same time..
Difficult to understand.
Anyways, other than that I LOVEEEEEEEEED it and thought it was ah-mazing!
You're an amazing writer with great ideas.
I look forward to critiquing more.
9/10
I'm not going to give you any constructive criticism (at the moment, at least, though no promises here...), however I will have to second Snoink's approval of the poem. I thought, when I read the title, "Oh great....", and yes, I rolled my eyes. I clicked it anyway (I'm not a complete ass). The poem hit home. I'll be honest not very many poems I read here catch my eye, but once in a while someone will write something like this that is just it (I guess it's kind of like finding the person. ^_~)
Now despite what some have said, I don't think anymore need be added. The story is there, quite comprehensible and complete. The problem is sometimes people tend to over-analyze poetry. It's a feeling given form with words, like a sheet drawn over an invisible person giving them shape. Anymore and you'd have a fullon narrative, and only then would it be considered a story as Siegfried described it.
Cliched, perhaps, but can the oh-so-dreaded "cliche" ever truly be avoided? I can't speak for you, nor can I speak of you in any personal sort of way, but I'd imagine this is the kind of stuff a twelve year old girl dwells on. So very well. I think YWS would collectively like to burn my complete anthology of works that started (and subsequently ended) when I was around that age, even just looking at the titles (where there was one). Meaning the stuff was the most cliched fantasy stuff you could imagine. But that was my thing and I did it (and I still do it! This time around, though, I think I deserve to give myself a little more credit. The girth of my imagination only swells as time goes by, and my technique, of course, has improved).
In conclusion, in absence of my own constructive advice for the poem, I fully endorse Snoink's suggestions. It was an enjoyable read and given the fact I (meaning I hardly ever do it) took the time to type out these going-on four paragraphs is a testimony to that fact. Good Job. ^_^
(I used italics to indicate when I'd moved your words to different, and bold to indicate my additions.)
I actually thought this was kind-of sweet. It reminded me of the crush I had on this boy when I was younger.
I took out the "probably not"/"of course" bits for a few reasons: 1) it's terribly cliché, 2) it's not well written, and 3) he probably does know her if they're in class together; I mean, they probably aren't perfect strangers.
I really like the "roses are red" bit, because it tells us something about "her." I got the impression that she was younger, and this was her first crush. I think it's really sweet. (I might italicize that bit, but that's up to you.)
As I agree with some others who have reviewed this piece, I think, does it really matter that this piece is heavy on the cliche side? Love poems and sonnets are supposed to be, but the way you do it... it also seems quite cheesy. The, 'Roses are red', extract made me cringe because that is the biggest cliche of all. I think you should review this and perhaps edit it out altogether!
It was a nice idea, the girl who likes the guy, but he just doesn't notice her, but I've read it all before and it is very unoriginal. Try to add twists in this, make him secretly long for her maybe in a way, and describe how he fells about her, saying the same things as she does about him [appart from the mountains of cliches]. This would be good, as although it has been done before, you dont see many romances where they both like each other, and are all dreamy, only to think the other doesn't like them back.
I liked the first five line, questions to the reader are a good think in a poem, even though they aren't actually that. I liked how she plainly said, of course she knew him and this was the part that made me want to read on, only to be disappointed by the rest.
Edit it, and I'm sure it will be better.
Yes, totally cliche, but school crushes ARE cliche, wonderfully so. I loved it's sweetness and simplicity.
I'd definitely take Snoink's advice, it would flow more smoothly.
Alot of the images you've used here have been used many times before (such as sea of ____/ _____ as dark as night). This wouldn't be as much of a problem if there'd been some new ones mixed in, but there weren't, really.
There are also very few emotions here. A description of events is just a list of observations. A poem tells how those things affect those involved, how it is special (or not).
I'd encourage you to expand, keeping these things in mind.
Thanks for the advice!
I thiknk there should be more to it. What happens after she writes the note does she give it to him when he's away from his desk? WHat does he say? Does he try to figure out who it's from? Add more! Expand!
I actually liked it! I mean, I guess you could say it's a soppy poem, but I love the fact that the card is unsigned and everything. It's cute and sad at the same time, and to show several emotions at once is a sign of a good writer!
To make it prettier, I have three little suggestions:
Get rid of the word "endless." It sounds prettier that way.
To make "Of course" stand out even more, I would italicize it so that it looks to us as a sort of hushed word. So it's a secret, which ties the beginning with the end.
So it would look like:
Does she know him?
Of course.
Here's the one like the first thing. Most of the time, you can say more with less words. I would get rid of "the darkest" and instead write it as this:
And with her pen,
with ink as dark as night,
she writes.
You ALSO might consider finding a children's magazine and publishing this poem. It's not bad at all, and because of your age, you'll probably get accepted easier.
So yeah. Good luck and happy editing!
You're only eleven, so I didn't think it was that bad. The last poem I read was also about school. Perhaps you could expand into topics other than that?
I will tell you that I liked the line "She doesn't sign it." right at the end there.
Keep working on your poetry and in a few years you'll get much better. Oh, and study a lot of poetry too. It helps to know how the masters do it.
This seems like it would be better off as flash fiction instead of a poem. Kind of lame. It is simple, though, which I like.
"with ink as dark as the darkest night,"
The most clichéd thing ever. Definitely cut this line.
Try flash fiction.
Prokaryote
This poetry you do it's quite heavy handed in cliches. Anyway what i'm going to say is I never see any other type of poetry from you. It seems good till the end. It sounds more like a story than a poem. Try with more details and get rid of last line.
Siegfried(VSN)